When Silence Speaks
Some stories in relationships don’t shift all at once—they fade, slowly, over time.
And one of the most tender transitions we see in EFT is when a once-active pursuer begins to grow quiet.
At first glance, the change may look like relief, or even improvement.
But narrative therapy invites us to listen closely to the small, tired voice beneath.
This is the story of the burnt-out pursuer—a story of exhaustion, longing, grief, and an aching fear that nothing can change.
How Burnout Writes a New Chapter
Burnt-out pursuit doesn’t happen suddenly.
It usually grows in the shadows of repeated attempts to reach that feel unanswered or misunderstood.
The story might sound like:
“I’ve said it so many times, I don’t think I can keep saying it.”
“Nothing changes.”
“I feel invisible.”
“I’m tired of being the only one who tries.”
“I don’t want to become the angry version of myself anymore.”
Eventually, the pursuer stops pushing.
They stop initiating conversations.
They stop asking for reassurance.
They stop trying to repair.
But inside, they may still feel the same longing—now wrapped in layers of fatigue and disappointment.
Narrative therapy helps us see:
This withdrawal is not indifference. It is heartbreak that has lost its voice.
When Withdrawal Used to Be Pursuit
In the pursue–withdraw cycle, each partner once had a predictable position.
But when the pursuer burns out, the story shifts. Partners are left wondering:
“Why did they stop talking?”
“Why aren’t they fighting anymore?”
“Is this calm, or have they given up on us?”
The dynamic may become quiet, even eerily so. A withdraw–withdraw cycle can take hold, creating loneliness instead of conflict.
From a narrative perspective, this is the moment to ask:
What has silence been trying to protect?
What emotions have no safe place to land?
Often, the burnt-out pursuer’s story includes:
Unspoken grief
Fear that their needs are “too much”
A belief that their voice has no impact
A history of feeling unseen
A longing that feels dangerous to reveal
These are not signs of apathy.
They are signs of a heart carrying too much alone.
Making Space for the Unspoken Story
In therapy, the burnt-out pursuer is invited to tell the story behind the silence—the story the cycle has been censoring.
With support, they can name:
The losses they’ve endured inside the relationship
The emotional exhaustion that made withdrawal feel like the only option
The longing that never fully went away
The fear that if they try again, they’ll be hurt again
Meanwhile, their partner begins exploring their own storyline—often one involving overwhelm, fear of failure, or confusion about how to respond.
Together, they begin re-authoring a new chapter:
one of shared responsibility, tender acknowledgment, and renewed emotional safety.
A New Story Emerges
A burnt-out pursuer can be one of the most important turning points in a relationship narrative—not a sign of ending, but a sign that the old story cannot continue as it was.
When couples come together to face the cycle, not each other, they begin writing a different kind of relationship story:
One where pursuit is met with responsiveness.
Where withdrawal is met with compassion.
Where burnout becomes an opening for healing.
Where both partners learn to reach, and be reached.
If you recognize yourself or your partner in this story, you don’t have to navigate it alone.
The cycle may have been writing your chapters up until now—but together, we can begin drafting something new. This could be the beginning of reclaiming your relationship’s story—one page, one conversation, one moment of connection at a time.
