When Conflict Becomes a Story the Body Knows by Heart

Every relationship has a story—one shaped by hopes, fears, histories, and the moments partners share. But sometimes, another story sneaks in. A story that neither person consciously chose. In Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), we often call this story the cycle—a pattern that begins to speak louder than either partner’s intentions.

Through a narrative lens, we don’t blame individuals.
Instead, we externalize the pattern and say:

“This is the Pursue–Withdraw Cycle. This is the problem—not you, not your partner.”

When couples begin to see the cycle as the outside force shaping their interactions, new possibilities for connection open. And within that cycle, two familiar roles often emerge: the withdrawer and the pursuer. These aren’t identities or flaws. They’re responses the cycle draws out of people who care deeply.

Let’s explore the stories these roles tell—and the stories they could tell instead.

The Withdrawer: The One Who Steps Back to Keep the Peace

When the cycle tightens, some people find themselves stepping away.
Their story might sound like:

“I need a moment.”
“I don’t want this to get worse.”
“I’m afraid I’ll say the wrong thing.”
“I’m trying to keep us safe.”

From the outside, it may look like calm or distance.
But inside, withdrawers often carry a quiet storm—anxious thoughts, self-doubt, or old rules about staying small to keep relationships steady.

Narrative therapy helps us see that withdrawal is not an identity. It is a strategy shaped by past experiences, learned when emotional intensity felt overwhelming or dangerous. Withdrawers aren’t avoiding their partner—they’re avoiding the cycle’s chaos.

The Pursuer: The One Who Reaches Toward Connection

Pursuers tend to move toward the tension. Their story often sounds like:

“Talk to me.”
“Where did you go?”
“I need to know we’re okay.”
“Please don’t leave me alone with this.”

To the pursuer, silence feels like a cliff edge. The instinct to close the gap is powerful—not because they want conflict, but because they want closeness.

Narratively, pursuit is not “nagging,” “overreacting,” or “being too much.”
It’s a protest against disconnection, shaped by a history where distance felt frightening or unsafe.

Reclaiming the Story Together

When couples begin identifying the cycle as the intruder in their relationship, blame fades.
They can say:

“This isn’t you versus me. It’s us versus the cycle.”
“This pattern keeps drafting us into the same roles.”
“What if we could rewrite this story together?”

With narrative and EFT lenses working side by side, partners reclaim authorship. They learn to name the cycle, notice its cues, and choose different moves.

They discover that underneath pursuit is a desire for closeness.
And underneath withdrawal is a desire for safety.

Both are stories worth honoring.

These reflection prompts are designed to help partners notice their place in the cycle—and consider support for rewriting the story together.

1. When conflict arises, which role does the cycle seem to pull you into—pursuer or withdrawer?
   If you're unsure, that’s a great place to explore in a session.

2. What story has the cycle been telling about your relationship—one you didn’t fully choose?
   If you’d like help uncovering this story, I’d be honored to guide you through it.

3. How would you prefer your story to read when it comes to conflict, closeness, and connection?
   Therapy can help you draft this new chapter with intention and support.

4. What small shift could you imagine making that the cycle typically prevents you from trying?
   We can work on these shifts together in a safe, structured space.

5. What might change if you and your partner had a place to slow down, name the cycle, and step out of old roles?
   If you feel ready to explore that possibility, you’re welcome to book a session with me. It could be the first step in reshaping your relationship’s narrative.